I used to be hell bent on plans. I thought that's all we're meant to do - plan and achieve. So many plans were made that I left little room for anything else. Like, taking note of all the that was naturally happening within me and around me. I dulled that awareness and and allowed my stubborn-goal-driven-brain to take over.
That meant, by the time I could achieve/execute/seal the deal, it was sometimes a force fit. All to remain proud and committed to my goals. "Because it's the right thing to do." "Because I have to." "I've wanted this my whole life."
Then two years ago, someone who I seek counsel in told me that I wasn't really in control of my life. Life and its spontenaiety is what really happens. I had to take notice and go with it.
This idea frightened me. Up until that moment I thought I was boss.
Yet when I reflected on my life, I figured out that despite the fact that I had ticked off a whole lot of what I wanted to do, disappointment also came when I committed to a plan that I knew intuitively didn't serve me at that time.
So I started to learn to let go, relax a little. And that wasn't easy...
Letting go doesn't mean be lazy and complacent, it means loosen the tight grip on life and one's so-called future achievements.
It also meant that I didn't rest on my achievements, I gave permission to enjoy the process of being present.
It was a new way of living. I had to accept that I was uncomfortable a lot of the time as previously, I'd have blinkers on. I'd be so driven meant that there wasn't room for openness.
So why do I trust life's unpredictability?
My time in England last year showed me how.
This time, last year, I wandered through England to see family and pursue work opportunities.
I initially intended to only be there for a month. In that time, it was a challenge to pin people down for meetings because it was Summer.
Family commitments took over. The tragic passing of family friend's parents meant it was all hands on deck packing up homes, looking after my niece and seeing off some of my family to Australia.
After my initial planned month, work meetings kicked in again. I then had to find a base to continue working remotely, which had me in Shoreditch.
And on this date, last year, while having an early dinner and working away on my laptop was when I met the women who made me realise that I was gay. The women that I have a unique and unparalleled bond to.
Four weeks turned to nine weeks and I fell more deeply in love with life and its surprises. No part of my imagination could've have had me expecting anything of what I experienced.
Had I remained stubborn old me and only chose to be in London for a month, I would have been sore about not getting the meetings I wanted, worried about the next work related thing instead of being present with my family, I would've delayed a necessary life realisation, missed core friendships.
Sometimes it is all too easy to say, "go with the flow", "surrender", "just be." It takes a shift in the mind to practice it.
The only thing we can do is do our best, moment to moment, and show up for what life has to bring each day. Your plans can change, and that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay.